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The worst... Oh, the Suffering

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1. The Identical

This strange Elvis/Bible Thumping movie hybrid is, and always will be, one of the worst movies that will ever be made. It's of legendary badness, like "The Room" and Roberto Benigni's "Pinocchio." You have to be really bad to top the next film on this list in badness.

2. Blended

Wow. Just...wow. Adam Sandler, a former guilty pleasure of mine, just keeps finding ways to get lousier at the cinemas. This racist piece of crap represents the very worst film he has ever made, and this guy was in the Grown Ups movies.

3. Nymphomaniac Vol. 1+2

A two part film about a sex addict that is as sexy as somebody coming up to you and putting steaming hot oatmeal with raisins in your pants.

Now, I realize there are some of you out there who might find that kind of thing erotic. Stay with me here.

After somebody puts that oatmeal in your pants, they shackle your hands and lock you in a room with no shower and a stereo blasting nothing but One Direction. Five weeks later, they come in and chisel at the hardened oatmeal with a spoon while biting down, hard, on your nose. Once the oatmeal has been chiseled away, it is discovered that some of it managed to seep into zones where the spoon can't reach, and massive infections of all shapes and sizes have riddled your naughty bits.

Then, Shia LaBeouf, one of the film's stars who has infamously bragged about not showering for days on end, enters the room and spanks you for 18 hours straight while biting down, hard, on your nose.

Do you still think it could be sexy?

4. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies Watching Peter Jackson's Hobbit fiascos was a soul sucking experience in which my eyes felt raped and my butt got sore. I loved the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and I loathe the Hobbit catastrophes. We are talking all time spirit crushing cinematic failure.

5. The Judge

Robert Duvall shits himself in this movie. He also poops all over Robert Downey, Jr. There's just poop everywhere in this film, and it isn't always of the physical nature. For instance, the screenplay is a screaming, stinky dung heap.

6. I, Frankenstein

I bet you didn't think you would ever see Frankenstein's monster in a trendy hoodie. I did like his hoodie. Everything else sucked.

7. Men, Women & Children

Oh, look...it's Adam Sandler again. Only this time it's "serious" Adam Sandler. Serious Sandler has degenerated into a level of lameness equal to that of funny Sandler. Or, should I say, the formerly funny Sandler.

8. Transformers: Age of Extinction

Hey, if you like movies depicting those things you used to have in your toy box beating the crap out of each other for what feels like 732 hours, these movies are your nirvana. For folks like me, they are punishment akin to having my toenails torn out by evil jackals.

9. Divergent

This would be the worst of the many "Young Adult Fiction" offerings that were thrown at us this year. However, it is not the worst Ashley Judd film. That would be "The Identical."

10. Into the Woods

I actually liked "Annie" more than this misguided attempt to adapt a Stephen Sondheim musical. I love Disney. I take Disney vacations whenever I can. "Into the Woods" is not a musical that Disney should've adapted. Not a good call.

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