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Police Dispatch

Gardeners, snakes and gender roles

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A CONVOLUTED GESTURE TO GENESIS?

RINCON BEAT

AUG. 26, 11:15 A.M.

A housewife's acquaintance turned a peaceful, Eden-like garden into a hellish scene with some blatantly bizarre behavior—involving proselytizing, debating gender roles, and an attempt to bare-handedly heal a dead snake—according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

After hiding from the subject in a closet, the garden's owner told sheriff's deputies that her acquaintance (apparently a friend or neighbor) was still on the scene after randomly visiting her garden that morning to start a frighteningly odd performance.

First, the reportee said, the woman began screaming at her and her husband (as well as their gardener) about whether they believed in Jesus Christ. Then, when the reportee tried to pay the gardener, the subject grabbed the check and said: "You can't pay him. You're not the boss. Only your husband is the boss."

The woman then reportedly shook the reportee's shoulders, saying, "You need to listen to me!" and then sat on the ground instead of leaving as she was asked.

When a poisonous snake entered the garden, the subject allegedly tried to grab it and "minister to (it)" after the reportee's husband struck it dead with a shovel.

Finally, the subject allegedly sprayed the husband with a hose and poured a glass of ice water on his head, victoriously shouting, "Ice-bucket challenge!"

After deputies handcuffed her, she repeated that "she was here to serve God and Jesus," asking if they were Christians and saying "if (the deputies) did not remove the handcuffs from her arms, she would have them all fired"—since she was "administering God's word." She did admit she'd had "a few sips" of a margarita earlier.

She was arrested for trespassing and disorderly conduct.

HE FOUND OUT THE SOFT WAY

FOOTHILLS AREA AUG. 28, 10:55 P.M.

A man learned—unfortunately, through his sense of touch—that his housemate had defecated on his floor, a PCSD report stated.

The man told a visiting deputy that a male acquaintance had been renting a bedroom in his house, and that evening, he'd left his room to allegedly buy cigarettes.

But when he didn't return for many hours, the reportee said, he peeked into the room and saw a puddle on the carpet—which he presumed was spilled soda, since it abutted numerous soda cans. But puddle was also near a soft "dark lump" of something, which the reportee couldn't identify ... until he prodded it with his finger.

After then realizing it was excrement, he was able to deduce (without touching) that the puddle was urine.

The deputy verified (also without touching) that the "lump" was indeed human feces.

Though the report was vague, we may conclude that the tenant had fled the home to avoid both shame and a cleaning fee. Deputies hadn't located the ostensible floor-pooper at the time of the report.

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