WEST KNOLLSIDE STREET
OCT. 11, 6:41 A.M.
A vandal decorated someone's vehicles like a lunchtime meal, a Pima County Sheriff's Department report stated.
The victim of the incident reported that between 4 p.m. the previous day and 6:30 that morning, someone had squirted mustard and "squished" bologna all over the windows and other surfaces of her family's two automobiles, which had been parked outside of her house. She said someone had also squirted mustard on her house's windows (whose vertical surfaces apparently couldn't accommodate bologna-squishing).
Deputies observed mustard stains on the house's windows but weren't able to view the cars, since they had recently been washed off and driven away by family members.
The victim named no possible suspects.
IT WORKS FOR LADY GAGA
SOUTH MISSION ROAD
OCT. 15, 5:40 A.M.
A young club-goer not wearing pants got stranded after fleeing a concupiscent cabbie, according to a PCSD report.
Deputies were dispatched to Mission and Drexel roads in reference to a female "in some kind of trouble." They found a young woman walking in the middle of the road, seemingly cold and scared. She was not wearing any shoes and reeked of intoxicants; she also appeared to be wearing no pants.
The subject insisted she was OK, and that all she needed was a ride home. But when some people driving by slowed down as they passed, she became belligerent, shouting, "What the fuck? What the hell are these assholes staring at?"
Asked by deputies why she was half-naked, the subject replied, "What the fuck? This is how I went out."
At that point, a deputy delicately asked her where her shoes were; she replied that they were "in the fucking cab." Deputies eventually got her to explain that she had been on her way home in a taxi cab from the Cactus Moon dance club, when the reportedly old, fat cab driver started caressing her neck. She said she jumped out of the car, just after telling him, "Go fuck your mother."
The subject admitted she was a little "fucked up." She didn't want to be dropped off at her "fucking parents' house," so deputies drove her to a Circle K to use the pay phone. There, she met someone she knew and started talking to him. ("I've been riding around with this fucking pig," she told her apparent acquaintance. "Do you believe I've been fucking walking around and this fucking pig picked me up?")
The report did not mention whether deputies helped her further, or how she got home.