East Fourth Street
Aug. 13, 10:25 a.m.
A man on meth embarrassingly failed to even start a car while trying to steal it—using the keys—and then told an embarrassingly silly lie once caught, according to a University of Arizona Police Department report.
UA officers responded to a campus parking lot regarding an armed-robbery call made by a young male student, who told them he'd been driving his black 2016 Audi sedan to a student orientation.
When he pulled into the lot to park, he said, a 30-something white male with "crazy eyes" approached the driver's side saying, "Nice car—you mind giving me the keys?"
"Are you serious?" the victim reportedly replied, to which the other man responded by announcing he had a knife and "they could do this the easy way or the hard way."
Although the victim didn't actually see a knife, he said, he was afraid enough to exit his car, hand over his keys, and back away to call the UAPD.
(Oddly, he said, as he was giving dispatch his license-plate number, the subject was eavesdropping and chimed in to loudly repeat the number in the background.)
After placing a backpack in the Audi's trunk, the subject got in and placed the keys in the ignition... but he somehow couldn't start the car.
He then hurled the keys on the ground and walked menacingly toward the victim—who was immediately saved by the arrival of the cops, who handcuffed the aggressor.
While restrained in a patrol vehicle, the subject told officers he hadn't been trying to steal the Audi for himself, but to "steal the car back"—that is, he knew it'd been previously stolen from a dealership (apparently by the student) so he'd been trying to drive it back there. He denied threatening the young man with a knife, saying that although the student initially wouldn't release the keys, he relented after the subject "asked nicely."
After being informed he was under arrest, the subject's logic appeared to (further) break down.
First he replied, "Nah, that car's free," then saying, "That kid gave me the keys, he said I could go to the store."
Regarding the backpack in the trunk, the subject exclaimed, "I can't help what's in that car!" (The bag turned out to contain 20 unused syringes and a "hype kit" for injecting drugs, including cotton balls, rubber bands big enough to be used for tying off an arm, metal caps and bleach.)
Finally, upon a search of his person, the would-be car thief seemed resigned to his fate. Asked if he carried any contraband, he said, "Yeah, drugs"—and his front pocket indeed contained a plastic baggie full of methamphetamine, which he admitted he'd recently used.
He was jailed on charges of armed robbery and possession of drugs and drug paraphernalia.