A New Year can feel like a clean slate. A chance to leave unwanted baggage behind and to forge ahead into the New Year feeling lighter—buoyed by dreams and optimism. And then there are those buzzkills who will remind us that most New Year resolutions evaporate by Valentine's Day.
With that in mind, I find it important to remind myself of how I've changed and what I've accomplished in the past year before setting out to create a new vision of myself in the New Year because really I'm not creating a new self but continuing to chisel, sculpt and expand the person I already am. It's easier to work with what we've got, rather than create a brand new self, based on a fairy tale of what we "should" be.
I'm going to talk about sexuality related New Year's resolutions ("sexolutions," if I may). Sexolutions can be as basic and straight forward as trying a new sex position, but more frequently involves how we relate to our lovers, friends, strangers, to our own selves and to the multiple social strictures that provide the topography of our sexual journeys.
And then again, discovering something seemingly small—like enjoying our scalp teased—can be significant in its own way. I discovered something new about what my body likes this year—cervical stimulation!
It's something I've heard about but never experienced before. In fact, I couldn't really wrap my head around anyone really enjoying that, as is often the case when we, ourselves, do not enjoy something. The cervix is the lower part of the uterus—of which the lower external portion can be found at the back of the vaginal canal. The only thing I've ever experienced in that department before was brief but intense pain when various partners would accidentally hit it head on a little too hard with their penises or dildos. Some people can experience bruising this way, too. (Ouch) As it turns out, although I can't stand the "poking" sensation, I love the "massaging" of it. A discovery I made using a rabbit vibrator where the rotating shaft slowly worked its way around my cervix. Now that I've discovered this using my trusty sex toy, I have some fun new techniques to try during penetrative partnered sex, too! Perhaps I'll write a full article about cervical orgasms sometime.
Another sex-related "accomplishment" of 2016 was less of an "aha! moment" like my cervical orgasm, but something more substantial that developed slowly throughout the year continuing from the year before and the year before that, and that is a growing threshold of the level of sexual vulnerability I can share with my long-term partner. Part of the beauty of certain long-term relationships is that it provides the safety of familiarity and the temporal space for trust to flourish, and that provides a fertile ground to explore vulnerabilities together. The trust that we build—and the aspects of ourselves that we are able to access as a result—can be brought into other relationships as well, romantic and otherwise. It's transferable!
Finally, as a result of being so busy this past year, I've learned some fun new ways of having successful "quickies." I'm not going to go into too much detail, but it involves remaining partially clothed and the use of a powerful vibrator to help speed things along.
My sex-related New Year's resolutions for 2017 involve exploring sexual "intercourse" using projections of our "energetic bodies" rather than our physical genitals. I know this will entail carving out dedicated time. And it may help to keep our clothes on. Again, you can bet I'll be writing about "energetic sex" in future articles.
This year, I would also like to have more sex with myself. I'm distinguishing this from simply saying "masturbating" because I'd like to explore, connect and take the time with my own body the same way I would when "making love" with someone else rather then just "scratching an itch." This is something I've moved away from these past couple years, but in the past, when I have, it frequently became a healing and transformative experience.
Also, I'd like to strengthen my pelvic floor muscles.
I'm sharing my personal experiences in the hopes that it can validate or inspire others in their own sexual journeys (or at least to be a good read over a cup of coffee!). In fact, I myself, was deeply inspired by the responses I received when surveying other folks for their 2017 sexolutions (especially the one about being your "own erotic role model"), so I'll share those with you, too!
Kate: I'm going to be brave and ask more often for what I want, be on top more, and do more masturbation circles w my friends!
Rambo Reza: Be the exhibitionist slut I love being, pose nude for lady photographers and make erotica by femme-folk for femme-folk because I have no erotica role models and thus need to create my own and be my own erotic role model, be penetrated, be part of a lady masturbation circle, and be a better sub.
Melissa Petro: My husband and I are trying to have a kid or something, so our sexolution is to have sex all the time until that happens.
"e": Being in my body as a trans person and having the courage to speak to my current lover who is not queer identified about my needs as a differently gendered human specifically. I'm efforting to be less orgasm oriented and more willing to engage in honest intimacy even when it's scary! I'm also reengaging in polyamory in a way that better honors my own self worth. For me it's about slowing down, it being so vulnerable and honest. Also, trying to learn to leave people better than I found them if I can.
Hopefully, I'm leaving you readers in better condition than I found you! Happy 2017!
Ally Booker is a pleasure activist passionate about educating herself and others on sexuality, communication, sex toy use and safety, and all the other mechanics of pleasure. You can often find her at her Tucson shop, Jellywink Boutique, 418 E. 7th St.