New Best Friend

Rated NR

Who stole the audience's valuable time and attention with the making of this pseudo-suspenseful dramatic nonsense? This Scooby-Doo no-brainer kind of mystery quickly can be solved in The Case of the Missing Quality, Originality, and Purpose with these clues conspicuously placed within the film. Clue #1: A college campus rent-a-cop with his Cracker Jack Box badge walks like he has his night stick permanently lodged up his butt as he investigates the unsurprising misfortune of a righteous recluse turned psychotic sex pot after her toilet paper tiara acid trip and brothel-like bash. Clue #2: A random lesbian bump and bustle under the bed sheets only appears in order to escalate the MPAA rating to an 'R' status. Clue #3: The standard bad movie addition of a glum to glamour girl makeover stalls the already slow-going tempo halfway through the film. And, Clue #4: Trust fund babies and whining brats push a Daddy's love to the max like a bad re-run of a prime time soap opera episode on the WB network. All of these blatant clues verify that the guilty suspect is none other than director Zoe Clarke-Williams. Case closed.

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