Arizona ranks 50th in spending for public schools, but we can do better. We should be ranked 51st! As a "billionaire," I see education as a corporate opportunity. We need to expand corporate influence in our schools and universities to make sure that all available resources go to those who need them the least--the richest 1 percent.
We Billionaires support vouchers to increase the educational advantage for Bush's base, the "have mores." Why waste money on the PLOWS (Potential Low-Wage Workers)? It should be the other way around. Since children of working families will make miniscule contributions to the wealth of this great nation, a few years of schooling is more than sufficient. Then they can find employment in the domestic service sector. Billionaires are always in need of cooks, chauffeurs, nannies and gardeners. Education is just an impediment to becoming a worthwhile member of society.
Think of it this way: Every year, we spend approximately $5,000 per student in Arizona. If we closed the three worst-performing schools in Tucson--that's approximately 4,500 students--we could save enough to put 1,000 prisoners through the correctional system. In turn, these prisoners make great telemarketers and manufacture license plates for pennies, saving corporate America millions each year. Close those schools immediately!
Education should go to the important and outrageously rich families, because we've earned it by birth. Yes, it would be unfair to bar children from school just because they do not belong to the super rich; therefore, we support testing. Educational tests are the most transparent method of weeding out those who will not benefit from education. Neutral questions, such as "What yacht-making company has the highest stock price on the S&P 500?" or "What polo team won the Whitney Cup in 1994?" should be included in standardized tests in Arizona. Testing will also eliminate the PLOWS, helping them to get on with their lives and saving valuable resources in the schools. Why do ordinary citizens complain about testing? It's not our fault that 89 percent of their students failed the math section of the AIMS test in 2002. They should have hired their stock portfolio manager to tutor their children, like we did.
We Billionaires also know what's best for our universities. Universities should be open to legacies by accepting children of alumni and financing their education. In fact, being from a wealthy family should be the only qualification our children need to get into the university of their choice.
Universities should also build more buildings. The Tucson Weekly reported in 2001 that for every $1 million spent on construction, there is a loss of 11 jobs and $400,000 in salaries. What a great solution--more construction and fewer jobs! We only wish we had thought of it. Let's just hope they conducted business the right way--no-bid contracts! The UA could get Halliburton to help expand the university's infrastructure, since they're already doing a terrific job in Iraq. For only a couple billion dollars, Halliburton could transform this campus in a deluxe country club where the children of Billionaires feel comfortable and at home.
Corporate sponsorship of university students is the answer. There are many sponsorship opportunities that could benefit students, the university and multinational corporations. For instance, medical students could be funded by the pharmaceutical industry. Students could get a full scholarship and get familiar with how to use what big pharma has to offer. We should also close that School for Alternative Medicine--it's just a waste of money. Alternative medicine cuts into medical profits, and doctors should learn that. Billionaires would also be willing to co-sponsor journalism students along with Fox News. That way, the students will be certain to present a "fair and balanced" view of the Billionaires' benevolent influence on America. With corporate sponsorship, the opportunities are endless.
Billionaires for Bush does so much for society that we should receive something in return. With an educational system that helps the top 1 percent increase their wealth, there will be more low-wage jobs for everyone else. Please help us raise the consciousness of all Americans by spreading the "real" message of the current administration. Join the Tucson Chapter of Billionaires for Bush today. For more information, contact Tex at firstname.lastname@example.org, or check our Web site at www.billionairesforbush.com.