Zombies are all the bloodthirsty rage these days.
And increasingly, they seem to be infecting our political parties. Once upon a time, Republicans believed in fiscal responsibility, protecting the environment and investing in the nation's infrastructure. What do Republicans believe in now? Taaax cutsssss. Seecurrrre the borrrderrrr. Eaaaaaat braaaaainnnnns!
Given the dismal circumstances, we've decided to endorse a few zombies in key contested primary races. Election Day is next Tuesday, Aug. 24. For more info, call the Pima County Recorder's Office at 740-4330.
U.S. SENATE (DEMOCRAT): We're casting our vote for John Dougherty. We like what he has to say about sensible immigration reform, cutting back on Pentagon waste and pursuing clean-energy policies.
U.S. SENATE (REPUBLICAN): If you need more explanation about the zombie infestation of the GOP, look no further than U.S. Sen. John McCain. His primary opponents are even worse. Vote Zombie Barry Goldwater.
CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT 7 (REPUBLICAN): All four candidates talk a lot about socialism, freedom and other abstract principles, but much as we like those things, we're endorsing Zombie Dwight Eisenhower.
CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT 8 (REPUBLICAN): The only guy in the race who remains a relatively reasonable Republican is Jay Quick.
GOVERNOR (REPUBLICAN): We're endorsing Zombie Paul Fannin, the Republican who served as Arizona governor from 1959 to 1965.
ATTORNEY GENERAL (REPUBLICAN): In the five-plus years that Andrew Thomas served as the Maricopa County attorney, we saw abuses of power that are unprecedented outside of fascist regimes. We're not crazy about Tom Horne, but we're gonna have to vote for him.
ATTORNEY GENERAL (DEMOCRAT): Our hearts say Vince Rabago, but our minds say Felecia Rotellini, because she's strongest Democrat to have on the November ticket.
SECRETARY OF STATE (DEMOCRAT): Vote for Chris Deschene, a former Marine who represented Apache County in the Arizona House of Representatives.
SUPERINTENDENT OF PUBLIC INSTRUCTION (DEMOCRAT): We're going with Penny Kotterman, a teacher and union official.
SUPERINTENDENT OF PUBLIC INSTRUCTION (REPUBLICAN): We're not impressed with any of the choices, so we're going with Zombie Abraham Lincoln.
STATE TREASURER (REPUBLICAN): We don't like any of them, so we're endorsing Zombie Herbert Hoover.
ARIZONA CORPORATION COMMISSION (DEMOCRAT): Vote Renz Jennings, who did a good job in a previous stint on the ACC, and David Bradley, who was a capable lawmaker.
ARIZONA CORPORATION COMMISSION (REPUBLICAN): Vote Zombie Teddy Roosevelt and Zombie Richard Nixon, both of whom showed more concern for the environment than today's GOP does.
LEGISLATIVE DISTRICT 25 HOUSE (DEMOCRAT): We like incumbent Democrat Pat Fleming and Army intelligence instructor Ken Davis.
LEGISLATIVE DISTRICT 26 HOUSE (REPUBLICAN): Wade McLean, a former superintendent in the Marana School District, is a choice for Republicans who still believe in something besides dismantling government.
LEGISLATIVE DISTRICT 27 HOUSE (DEMOCRAT): Our nod goes to Dustin Cox and Sally Gonzales. We'd advise you against voting for John Kromko and Eric Carbajal Bustamante.
LEGISLATIVE DISTRICT 28 HOUSE (DEMOCRAT): Vote for incumbent Rep. Steve Farley, who has done a solid job of representing the district for the last four years, and Mohur Sidhwa, a longtime Democratic activist.
LEGISLATIVE DISTRICT 30 HOUSE (REPUBLICAN): We're endorsing Brian Abbott, who supported Prop 100 and believes in funding education.
LEGISLATIVE DISTRICT 30 SENATE (REPUBLICAN): If you like a senator who supports kicking poor people off of health-insurance rolls while providing massive tax cuts to Arizona's wealthiest residents, vote for Frank Antenori. Otherwise, vote for Marian McClure.