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Danehy

Tom’s old questions of 2019 make way for his new questions of 2020

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It's a new year and we're now in the Twenties. Some of the old questions (many of which have never been answered) must now give way to new questions.

• Old Question: What does Vladimir Putin have on Donald Trump? This has never been definitively answered, but it's got to be a doozy. It's got to be more than the promise of Trump Tower Moscow and more than urinating hookers. As long as Trump keeps bending over backward (and forward) to give Putin everything he wants, we'll probably never know the answer to that question.

• New Question: What does Donald Trump have on Lindsey Graham? Graham was one of Trump's most vocal critics back in 2016, but now...it's really embarrassing. The late Emil Franzi used to say that a (male) politician should never get caught with a live boy or a dead girl. Lord only knows what Trump has on Graham. There's just no way that the Senator would have negotiated that 180 with a g-force of 12 without some serious outside motivation.

There probably aren't a whole lot of people outside of his state of South Carolina who would give a crap if he turned out to be gay (a rumor that he vehemently denies). Graham used to be all laid back and genteel. Now he publicly loses his crap on a regular basis and it's always over Trump. Whatever Trump has on Graham, it's probably gasp-worthy.

Old Question: Exactly how dumb is the average Trump supporter? We used to try to guess, but our guesses were usually way off. As time went by, we learned that the average Trump voter had less education than people who voted Democrat, but that doesn't make them any less American or any less deserving of the opportunity to vote. It just makes them...well, you know.

• New Question: Really, how dumb is the average Trump supporter? My old friend Jimmy Kimmel recently provided us with some new data on that subject. (Back in the 1990s, Jimmy and I used to be on KRQ in the mornings with the legendary drive-time deejay Mike Elliott.)

Jimmy conducted a man on the street thing the other night (apparently at the intersection of Dumbass Avenue and Inbred Boulevard). On the first day of the Trump Impeachment Trial, he had the interviewer ask this question: How did you vote today on the impeachment? One after another, people stepped forward and said, "Oh, I voted not to impeach." These people expressed their support for Trump and swore that they had somehow voted for him not to be impeached (which, of course, had already happened but, since the average American thinks that "impeached" means convicted, not accused, confusion reigned). The interviewer even asked some people how they had voted that day. Some swore that they had done so at a polling place while others said that they had done so on their phones. It started off funny, but quickly devolved into cringe-worthy.

• Old Question: What would it take to turn away from Trump? He used to brag about how he could shoot somebody on Fifth Avenue and get away with it. Naïve Americans that we were at the time, we didn't believe that to be true, but by the middle of his first year in office, we realized that it was one of the rare occasions when he actually spoke the truth.

• New Question: Seriously, is there anything that would cause Trumpistas to turn away from him? The answer is probably no. I was wondering what would have happened when he was at Davos, Switzerland last week if he had snapped after learning that Time Magazine's Person of the Year Greta Thunberg had a more-prestigious speaking time than he did.

It flashed in my head that he would barge into the auditorium, go on stage and try to choke the life out of the young environmental activist. I quickly realized that such a thing would be impossible. There's no way he could get those hands all the way around somebody's neck.

• Old Question: What is wrong with George Will? It turns out that there's nothing wrong with him, at all. Oh, he still wears bowties and he thinks that baseball is cool, but he showed his integrity by leaving the Republican Party Rather than having to suck up to Donald Trump.

• New Question: What is wrong with Peggy Noonan? I read her Saturday column in The Wall Street Journal. The former speechwriter for Ronald Reagan can put words together and she's usually pretty insightful. But last week, after acknowledging that Trump is guilty as all hell of the charges against him, she tried to explain why somebody would vote to acquit him.

There are actually only two explanations for such behavior. Either you're a moron and you don't believe that he did what he's accused of or you accept the charges but you just don't think that they're that big of a deal. But then Noonan threw in that lame thing about don't impeach him because it's an election year. That's like a cop saying, "We're not going to arrest you for the armed robbery that you just committed because you're already scheduled to go on trial for manslaughter in a few months." That's plain stupid.

• Old and New Question: Why Trump? Best answer yet given: "He's our O.J." Indeed.

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