Dear Mexican: I've read that 75 percent of Americans are against giving illegal immigrants citizenship. I'm for full amnesty and citizenship for the current 12 million that are here, but I have two absolute conditions. First, the border is locked up by both the U.S. and Mexico, and illegal entries are reduced by 90 percent even if that takes the military of both countries. Second, that citizenship would require pledging allegiance to America and denouncing their Mexican citizenship. My question is: Do you think that the Mexican portion of the 12 million would agree to this? And do you think the Mexican government would agree to helping to close the border if full amnesty was given to those that are now here?
Dear Gabacho: You heard about how Donald Trump wants to build a wall on the U.S.-Mexico border and equip it with solar panels? Your idea is stupider. Primeramente, locking up the border accomplishes nada. There's fewer Mexicans coming into los Estados Unidos right now not because of Trump's pendejadas but because the United States is turning into Mexico—so why not just stay in Mexico? And putting both the American and Mexican military on la frontera is a waste of resources and firepower better used against the Saudis. Segundamente, any Mexican who would become legal has to pledge allegiance to the U.S.—it's called the "naturalization oath of allegiance," pendejo. And who cares if they have dual citizenship? Mexicans only get that so they can own land down there instead of having to give it up to the government—unless you'd rather Mexicans give that up and bring up their 91-year-old Tía Goya to live in el Norte? Gabachos like you need to get it into your mind that Mexicans (and other immigrants, for that matter) can simultaneously be American yet have another country on their mind, and not be disloyal to the Stars and Stripes. Why do conservatives get all pissy about that, yet cheer on losers who still love the Confederacy? Oh, yeah—because gabacho.
My husband has a disability that nobody in his Mexican family accepts (it's a serious mental health disorder for which he receives government benefits, but they just tell him, "Be strong, primo," and "How did you fool the government into giving you crazy money?"). Nobody has ever helped us with things he can't do, but they expect him to help his mom with every home repair, because she raised him by herself. She's verbally abusive and says nasty things about both of us when she's alone with him, but to my face she acts like she wants us to be friends. Do we keep putting on the big, happy ethnic family act and explain away their ignorance of psychology and abuse? I understand that a history of oppression and struggle breeds dysfunction, but where do we draw the line? And don't Mexicans watch Oprah and Dr. Phil?
—Una Frustrated Gabacha-in-Law
Dear Gabacha: Confronting mental health issues among Mexicans is a serious topic that too often gets dismissed due to machismo. Without knowing his exact condition, all I can counsel is to ask your marido how he feels, and act accordingly. He might hate the familial abuse but is too afraid to say anything, and is waiting on you to say something. Or he might not feel abused at all. If it's the latter case, keep him away from the primos and mom with promises of sexy times—works on a Mexican man anytime!
Ask the Mexican at email@example.com. be his fan on Facebook. Follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!