i was at a death today.
one lady who died & came back
to life
told me she felt weightless
when she died,
said it was the best feeling
she had ever had.
she has never been afraid
to die since.
i was ready to die
in that moment
with her.
some say we begin dying
the minute we're born.
others say there's no such thing
as death.
i've been to deaths at every hour.
3 a.m. sucks for me.
but i'd rather see people die
in their homes
than in a hospital.
i trained in a hospital,
a level 1 trauma center.
that was scary shit.
people fall off cliffs, get shot,
get hit on scooters,
have random brain aneurisms.
& i'd find myself sitting
with the wife, the son
& the daughter
in the small room
with florescent lights.
the other chaplains & i
shared oodles of youtube videos
with each other that year.
vids like miniature goats
jumping for joy.
& people popping huge pimples
in the mirror.
i've wheeled bodies down
to the morgue,
said many a prayer over dead
& sometimes messy
bodies.
i'd rather be around death
in hospice
than death in the trauma bay.
death tricks the mind
when you first witness
the body stop
breathing.
it's like being outside in the bright sun
& running into a cave.
you still see the sun until your eyes adjust.
death is slipping into the same room
you're already in,
while most everyone else
thinks you left the house.
people cry when someone they love dies.
no water is holier than tears.
people feel shocked & deny
their loved one is dead.
once a lady pounced on her mom,
swearing that she was still breathing,
after the nurse listened
closely with a stethoscope.
some people lose their god along
with their loved one
bc they never imagined god would
allow such a thing to happen.
a colleague chaplain of mine
called to offer chaplain support to a family
& the man interrupted, "we don't believe in god."
the chaplain responded, "that's fine,
some days i don't either."
people tell stories.
my friend prays that god holds all of the stories
we forget.
i told him she does
bc they change who we are
when we hear them.
people share their regrets.
mostly people wish they would have
treated each other better.
people laugh.
another colleague of mine was
with a lady who lost her husband.
she was crying & showing the chaplain
pics of her family
on her ipad.
she swiped to a picture of herself butt-naked.
there was an awkward silence
until they both busted
into laughter.
the lady ends with,
"god, i really needed that."
people get angry.
if you don't have a god you can be angry with,
it might be time to get a new one.
people punch walls & throw chairs.
space is important for grieving people.
people give thanks.
all some families want to say to their dead loved one
is "thank you."
people remain silent.
i sat in silence for 30 minutes
straight with nothing to say.
when i was leaving she said,
"thank you for being with me."
people play music.
i once became a DJ for a family
soon after a death.
took song requests for an hour
as they cried & sang,
holding onto their loved one's body.
people request prayer & ritual.
one lady took her closing breath
as i said the closing prayer.
one man died when the priest administered the sacrament.
the on-call nurse left report that
"the priest anointed the pt as he died,
& the pt went straight to heaven!"
how someone dies may tell you
how those standing around
are living.
how you die influences
those who witness it.
it seems like not being
too attached to living
or dying
allows one to live
& die more peacefully.
morphine helps a lot too.
what if you die to dying,
& when your time comes
it's just another moment?
some people believe in a literal fairytale
afterlife.
a dying nun once told me if i wear
the scapular
around my neck
i'll go to heaven when i die.
she called it my passport
to heaven.
she looked at me strange
when i stuffed it in my shirt
pocket instead of
putting it around my neck.
her savior says heaven
is within me.
why is she trying to sell me
what i already have?
a man once said, "pray for me
to accomplish
what i need to accomplish
to get to heaven."
i told him, "there's nothing to accomplish
to get to heaven."
some tell sacred stories with creativity
that sound like fairytales.
i call them mystics.
death is a mystery & not a mystery.
the body continues,
whether it decomposes
or is cremated & spread.
our spirit goes on & on
& on & on & on &
the last breath is not the end.
we become a part of each other
each time we meet.
the mystery is in the details.
once a guest speaker said,
"when you stop laughing
& you stop crying,
then you're in trouble."
once the phone rang
& the pt's wife
stepped out of the room,
where i sat with the pt
& his son.
his wife came back in the room
& the pt & her son were crying.
she looked directly at me & asked,
"what did you do to them?"
the pt, the son & i
all started laughing.
then we told her
what her husband said
& she cried.
"i won a nobel prize
for creating a new type of technology,
but there is no greater prize
than the prize of life."
— adam t. smith