10,000 B.C.

Rated NR

I got down on my knees and thanked Jesus and his daddy for answering my prayers: I’ve been wanting a wooly-mammoth movie from the guy who did Independence Day, and I wanted that film to be inhabited by cavemen who speak perfect English and wear bitchin’ dreadlocks. Kidding! This film is horrible, unnecessary, ridiculous shit that does nobody on this planet a lick of good to witness. How in the hell did this piece of garbage get the green light, while cool prospects like Ghostbusters 3 and a sequel to Strange Brew remain in limbo? I watched in amazement as this thing unfolded, because a lot of effort and a lot of money clearly went into it. This is a film in which a caveman befriends a saber-toothed tiger—and the filmmakers want us to take it seriously. This is a mess that should end a few careers.

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