by Jim Nintzel
Presidential candidate Richard Grayson, who is running as a Green in Arizona's Feb. 28 presidential primary, offers a new policy proposal: Deport all Republicans!
Here's Grayson's statement:
If by some fluke, I'm elected President, the first thing I will do is to take steps to make the United States great again by deporting all of those who've ruined our country, and the great state of Arizona, in recent years:
That's right, I plan to deport all Republicans.
I know what you're saying: "Richard, you're a liberal lawyer and a college professor who's taught constitutional history, not an ignorant asshole like Russell Pearce and the others who think that the Fourteenth Amendment's right to birthright citizenship can be taken away. How can you 'deport' American citizens? What country would you deport them to? And how could you do this without violating dozens of the Republicans' constitutional rights from due process to equal protection?"
I understand these concerns, of course. And though I would move as quickly as possible to deport all Republicans — it's not wise to keep vermin around your house any longer than necessary — I would not deport them to any foreign country.
Instead, I would launch a crash program, a kind of Manhattan Project, to get our most brilliant scientists to create a viable way to send people back into the past. Time travel will allow me to deport the Republicans to what is, indeed, American soil — but they'd be deported back to the eighteenth century!
And this, of course, would get around the problem of denying Republicans' constitutional rights. The GOP — soon to be G-O-N-E — would voluntarily self-deport to the 1700s.After, all the fashion-challenged angry old white people of the Tea Party already love to gallivant around in colonial garb. They'd have a place where they could strut in their three-cornered hats and white leggings and not look ridiculously out of place.
In the eighteenth century, Republicans could live in an America where minorities did not have equal rights (African Americans were slaves; Native Americans were massacred), where abortion and homosexuality were, if they ever occurred, punishable by death; where there was no ACLU, no Planned Parenthood, no labor unions, no minimum wage, no "entitlements," no food stamps, no "safety net," no ethnic studies, no Lady Gaga, no hip-hop, and few if any vegans, hippies, hipsters, atheists, environmentalists, Darwinists or alternative weeklies.
Everyone would be better off. The Republicans would be much happier living in the past. In the 1700s they'd be up-to-date rather than throwbacks to a previous era, constantly trying to undo the New Deal and the science of the past two centuries. Instead of longing for a bygone America, they'd be living in a place they'd rather be: a bygone America.
(Of course, if they wanted to stay in Arizona, they'd be living under the Spanish empire, but hey, they probably would really love the Inquisition!)
And with all Republicans deported, the rest of us here in the United States could actually achieve some progress.
Twenty-first century America: Love it or leave it.
Hasta la vista, Republicans!