The Only TV Column That Matters™ knows the fate of your beloved network series—or, knows enough to make a wild guess as to whether or not they'll return next season. Could an NBC exec wake up tomorrow and say "Cancel Parenthood—we're going with Hollywood Cornhole on Thursdays"? Sure. Is it possible that Fox, and America, finally realizes the comedy genius of Surviving Jack before it's too late? Remotely. Could CBS decide that one NCIS is enough for the nation's shut-ins? Yeah, right. Will The CW's show-cloning machine run out of unicorns-and-glitter fuel? Not likely. Might ABC embrace the concept of hate-watching weapons-grade crap and squeeze out another 13 episodes of Black Box? I almost hope so. These be the stats as I know them right now:
Not Going Anywhere
They've already been renewed, or they're this close to it.
ABC: The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Castle, Dancing With the Stars, The Goldbergs, Grey's Anatomy, Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., The Middle, Mistresses (summer), Modern Family, Motive, Nashville, Once Upon a Time, Resurrection, Revenge, Rookie Blue (summer), Scandal and Shark Tank.
CBS: 2 Broke Girls, The Amazing Race, The Big Bang Theory, Big Brother, Blue Bloods, Criminal Minds, CSI, Elementary, The Good Wife, Hawaii Five-0, Mike & Molly, The Millers, Mom, NCIS, NCIS Los Angeles, Person of Interest, Survivor, Two & a Half Men, Under the Dome (summer), Undercover Boss and Unforgettable.
Fox: American Idol, Bob's Burgers, Bones, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Family Guy, The Following, Glee, Hell's Kitchen, Kitchen Nightmares, MasterChef Junior, The Mindy Project, New Girl, The Simpsons, Sleepy Hollow and So You Think You Can Dance.
NBC: About a Boy, The Biggest Loser, The Blacklist, Celebrity Apprentice, Chicago Fire, Chicago PD, Grimm, Growing Up Fisher, Hollywood Game Night, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Parenthood, Parks & Recreation and The Voice.
The CW: America's Next Top Model, Arrow, The Originals, Reign, Supernatural and The Vampire Diaries.
Up In the Air
Could go either way—start that Save Our Show campaign yesterday.
ABC: Black Box (premiered last week), Last Man Standing, Mixology, Suburgatory and Trophy Wife.
CBS: Bad Teacher (premiered last week), The Crazy Ones, Friends With Better Lives, Hostages, Intelligence and The Mentalist.
Fox: 24 (Season 9 premieres May 5), Almost Human, Cosmos, Dads, Enlisted, Gang Related (debuts May 22) and Surviving Jack.
NBC: Community, Hannibal, The Night Shift (debuts May 27) and Undateable (May 29).
The CW: The 100.
Dead or Circling the Drain
Some are already canceled, others will be by the time you finish this sentence.
ABC: The Assets, Back In the Game, Betrayal, Killer Women, Lucky 7, Mind Games, The Neighbors, Once Upon a Time In Wonderland and Super Fun Night.
CBS: How I Met Your Mother and We Are Men.
Fox: The Cleveland Show, Raising Hope, Rake, Us & Them (never aired) and The X Factor.
NBC: Believe, Crisis, Dracula, Ironside, The Michael J. Fox Show, Revolution, Sean Saves the World and Welcome to the Family.
The CW: Beauty & the Beast, The Carrie Diaries, Hart of Dixie, Nikita, Star-Crossed and The Tomorrow People.