You Should Watch It
Saturday, May 11 (Lifetime)
Movie: Lifetime's latest White Women in Peril flick asks for even larger suspensions of disbelief than usual: 1. We're supposed to buy that any man would have the urge—or balls—to leave Tricia Helfer. 2. Also, that the new woman she's being shoved aside for is Estella Warren. 3. Estella Warren is still a working actor. 4. This isn't the same Vancouver where every Lifetime movie since the Clinton administration has been shot ... the list goes on. Anyway: In Dangerous Intuition, Helfer stars as a driven career woman who's forced to share custody of her daughter with her ex and his new, seemingly ideal stay-at-home wife (Warren). When Helfer begins having visions of the kid in danger, is she losing her mind, or is the new wife really something evil, like ... a mommy blogger?! Don't want to spoil it; Helfer's over-the-top "crazy" acting is a wonderful thing to be enjoyed either here or, more likely, on next week's The Soup.
You Should DVR It
Small Town Security
Thursday, May 9 (AMC)
Season Premiere: When it premiered last year, Small Town Security (a reality-show tagalong to Breaking Bad) looked like just more quirky redneck filler taking up space on an otherwise respectable cable network. This year, compared to all the other realty suckage AMC has come up with since, it's not looking so terrible—it's still bad, just not BAD. Georgia's JJK Security company is still a weird joint run by prospective David Lynch characters, namely breakout stars "Chief" Joan Koplan (think Liza Minelli's Lucille from Arrested Development on discount meds) and "Lieutenant" Dennis Croft (a transgender badass who used to be Denise); STS remains loaded with rubberneck-worthy moments. But how will it fare without its massive Breaking Bad lead-in? AMC has stuck by The Killing and Freakshow, so anything's possible.
Bob Saget: That's What I'm Talkin' About
Friday, May 10 (Showtime)
Stand-Up Special: Since his wallet-padding/soul-crushing days in the Family Zone on Full House and America's Funniest Home Videos, Bob Saget has gained infamy as a dark and filthy comic on film, TV and stage—but is his post-TGIF shock-value shtick played out? Not in That's What I'm Talkin' About, a semi-greatest-hits stand-up special taped last year in Seattle that places the love/blame for his dirty mouth on his father before descending into a bawdy barrage of acoustic-guitar tunes (if you loved the much-YouTubed "Danny Tanner Was Not Gay," there's more where that came from). Since Saget isn't a material-cranking overachiever like Louis C.K.—or even John Stamos—there's not much new here, but it's a solid hour that makes you question the Satanic intentions of the Olsen twins just a little bit more.
You Should Read A Book
Breaking Amish: Brave New World
Sunday, May 12 (TLC)
Series Debut: Dying to know what happened to Amish young'uns Abe, Rebecca, Kate, Sabrina and Jeremiah after the first season of Breaking Amish? Yeah, me neither.
Season Finales This Week:
Thursday, May 9: Two & a Half Men, Person of Interest (CBS); Community (NBC); Glee (Fox)
Friday, May 10: Vegas, Blue Bloods (CBS); Fashion Star (NBC); Kitchen Nightmares, Touch (Fox)
Sunday, May 12: Once Upon a Time, Revenge (ABC); Survivor (CBS); Bob's Burgers, American Dad (Fox); Loiter Squad (Adult Swim)
Monday, May 13: Castle (ABC); How I Met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls (CBS); 90210 (The CW)
Tuesday, May 14: NCIS, NCIS Los Angeles, Golden Boy (CBS); New Girl, The Mindy Project (Fox)
Wednesday, May 15: CSI (CBS); Arrow, Supernatural (The CW); Deep South Paranormal (Syfy)
Beware of Mr. Baker
The SXSW award-winning doc about Cream/Blind Faith drummer Ginger Baker proves that Keith Moon wasn't the craziest skinsman of the '60s, and we now know who to thank/blame for the rock drum solo. Did I mention he's insane? (Vivendi)
Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Hugh Grant, Susan Sarandon and more star in the century-spanning, multi-arced tale of parallel lives, revolution and buying makeup in bulk. If you can't follow the story, at least it looks freakin' cool. (Warner Bros.)
Dexter: Season 7
Sis Debra, possibly the least-observant cop in Miami PD history, has finally learned the truth about Dexter—will she help him in his vigilante serial-killer crusade, or become an annoying, whiney wreck? Spoiler alert: Yes. (Paramount)
Liz & Dick
Lindsay Lohan and Grant Bowler portray/desecrate Elizabeth Tayor and Richard Burton in the greatest cinematic trainwreck since whatever Lohan's last movie was. Start planning your weekend viewing parties/potentially fatal drinking games now! (E1)
Zero Dark Dirty
An Elvis impersonator (Alexander Loy), an obnoxious comedian (Corey Feldman) and some actors are on a mission to bring 'Merican culture to Afghanistan, but end up taking on the Taliban. Also starring ... The Iron Sheik! (Green Apple)
More New DVD Releases (May 14)
Back to 1942, Captive, Endless Summer, Frankie Go Boom, A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III, Guido, Home Sweet Home, If I Were You, The Locker, The Mulberry Tree, Of Two Minds, Open Gate, Stripped, Texas Chainsaw, Tomorrow You're Gone, White T