In the pre-Obama days, a summer movie season seemed like a wonderful thing. But some signs I read at the local teabagging event made it clear to me that the multimillionaire cokeheads who run Hollywood have actually been planning to institute a strict Islamist/Marxist regime under our foreign-born "president" so that they can abort all heterosexual babies.
I guess I was quite silly for thinking that Adam Sandler's Funny Man in Underpants was just a "comedy." More like a communist-dy!
Anyway, now fully enlightened to the fact that a 3 percentage-point increase in the top tax rate combined with a mild middle-class tax cut is the work of left-wing fascists who want to take away my semi-automatic traditional marriage gun, I take a much more skeptical approach to summer films. Thus, instead of simply shilling for the Mujahidin who run the major studios, I'll be presenting critical commentary where it is deserved!
MAY MOVIES!
OK, May is basically over. But it started with Wolverine and Star Trek, which returned the stupid-fun to cinemas that had been suffocated by an excess of elite, intellectual moviemaking. (April's Hannah Montana: The Movie made my head spin with its talk of patriarchal exploitation in quantum electro-dynamics.) Coming up, we've still got ...
Dance Flick: Most people don't realize that there are three distinct lame movie-parody outfits: Keenen Ivory Wayans and company, who did the first Scary Movie and this summer's Dance Flick; the David Zucker crowd, who did Airplane!, Scary Movie 3 and 4, and the upcoming Sci-Fi Movie; and then there's the almost mystically talentless team of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, who made Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans, generally considered not only the worst movies made so far, but the worst movies that it would be possible to make, given an infinite amount of time, money and cynicism. They also did some writing for the Scary Movie series, so it's as though a nexus of awful spreads out from Scary Movie, threatening to destroy our nation's fragile and precious sense of humor.
Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian: I think Ben Stiller is a talented guy, but even talented people can be lured into rote kiddie fare if offered enough money to buy a whorehouse made out of cocaine. So take the kids, but remember: You're supporting whores and cocaine.
Terminator Salvation: The first Terminator movie took place in the pre-Internet days, when computers seemed scary. But now we know that computers are friendly devices that store our vast cultural repository of celebrity up-skirt shots. So the thought of them taking over the world isn't really that bad. I mean, I don't want to see Lisa Rinna naked again, but maybe you do, and our new computer masters will help with that. However, the idea that they might try to destroy humanity is ridiculous. They just want us all to appear in bukake movies. And I think we can live with that.
Drag Me to Hell: Now that the Spider-Man movies have made Sam Raimi enough money to buy a swimming pool lined with Van Gogh paintings and mermaid bones, he can go back to what he loves doing: making effective grade-B horror films. In this one, Alison Lohman plays a loan officer who causes financial ruin and is assaulted by demons. So it's pretty much a summary of six months of The Wall Street Journal.
Up: I'm skeptical that an animated movie about a grouchy old man with a flying house will really be a hit, but it's made by Pixar, and if you fed their animators some cabbage, it's likely they'd fart out a blockbuster.
JUNE MOVIES!
Little-known fact: It was in June that Dwight Eisenhower last made love to Mamie. True.
The Hangover: Isn't it time Hollywood stopped romanticizing alcoholism? Or wait: Maybe it's time they started doing that again. Somebody call Dudley Moore. This one features Zach Galifianakis, who's genuinely funny, and is directed by Todd Phillips, who made one great documentary (Hated) and then some passably entertaining comedies. The plot involves a bunch of guys on a bachelor-party weekend in Vegas, a live tiger and the surrendering of your humanity to the man-boy comedy genre. "Women are sexy! Too bad they're always trying to stop us from having fun ..."
Land of the Lost: I hate it when people say, "Oh, they're destroying my childhood memories!" whenever a kiddie TV show gets remade as a big-budget film. If the best part of your childhood was watching TV, then you're probably better off having all your memories removed anyway. But I'll admit that I loved Land of the Lost, and basically anything that producers Sid and Marty Krofft touched. And Sid and Marty signed off on this, a campy take on their kitschy show about explorers stranded in a world between worlds where dinosaurs roam, sleestacks threaten, and Cha-ka, well, Cha-ka love Holly. He love Holly!
Away We Go: The previews for this looked pretty engaging, and Sam Mendes (American Beauty, Jarhead, Revolutionary Road) is directing. Also, the screenplay is by Dave Eggers, who is the most important figure in contemporary American literature, at least according to Dave Eggers. John Krasinski of The Office and Maya Rudolph of Saturday Night Live star as a young(ish) couple trying to figure out what to do with their lives and their impending spawn. Krasinski's a great comic actor, but I don't trust anyone from SNL, as almost all of them just do sketch-comedy-style acting, no matter what they're in. Drop them in anything lasting longer than four minutes and 52 seconds, and it's like watching a dog barking a song. For two hours.
Imagine That: A kid comedy featuring Eddie Murphy as a financial executive who retreats into a fantasy world. That sounds like everything that happened after the repeal of the Glass-Steagall Act. The big question, though, is who is giving Eddie Murphy money to make movies? If anyone in Hollywood had any brains, they'd tell Murphy that they were making a sequel to The Adventures of Pluto Nash and then put him in a rocket and send him to Mars. I mean, we've been wanting to send a manned mission to Mars, and hoping for an end to Eddie Murphy movies, so this seems like a no-brainer.
The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3: I really liked the original ToP123, but the problem with modern remakes is that everything gets badass-ified. Like, we can't just escape to Witch Mountain? No, we've got to race there! The original film was a minor masterpiece about a schlubby cop (Walter Matthau) chasing some efficiently un-hip and un-sassy criminals (Robert Shaw, Martin Balsam and Hector Elizondo). The new one is about John Travolta's douche-stache. And the cop is played by Denzel Washington, because police officers never look like Walter Matthau; they're all fabulously handsome guys who work out six to 14 hours a day.
The Proposal: A rom-com starring Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock, who, if they mated, would produce a child that would have the exact average of all the facial features of all white people ever.
Moon: This looks like real science fiction, an idea-oriented exploration of the effects of time and technology on humanity, and it stars Sam Rockwell, a truly versatile actor who deserves more than he gets. As such, it'll probably only get limited release and then vanish into obscurity. But that's what happens to love, and we all value that.
Year One: I think Jack Black wore out his welcome shortly after his head cleared his mother's vulva, but this caveman comedy (cave-omedy) also stars Michael Cera, who is at least three films away from wearing out his welcome, and is directed by Harold Ramis, who could just cruise forever on his directing work in Groundhog Day. So, I don't know, I guess because Olivia Wilde plays some kind of skimpily dressed cave princess, this will be a great work of art. Ooga. Ooga ooga ooga.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: The previews for this giant-robot movie looked awesome, although at a few moments, it seems to stretch credibility. Like, why would Megan Fox date Shia LaBeouf? And wouldn't the square-cube law make the robots incapable of standing up? But most importantly, don't we risk the wrath of an angry and jealous God by making giant warrior robots that transform into 18-wheelers? I mean, is there anything more perfect than that? And won't that piss off God, because He can't even make a decent chainsaw-wielding super-Ninja? But He made Megan Fox, so God bless him.
My Sister's Keeper: The story sounds interesting: A girl who was conceived to be a bone-marrow donor for her sick sister gets tired of being used for parts, and sues for emancipation. The downside is that it stars Cameron Diaz and is directed by Nick Cassavetes. Cassavetes' father was one of the greatest directors in the history of cinema. Cassavetes made The Notebook. This decisively proves that filmmaking is not heritable.
JULY MOVIES!
I think it would be funny if they made a sequel to Juno and called it July-o. But then I think dirt is funny.
12th Man: This formula sci-fi (man wakes up on dying space ship and must fight his way through 11 deadly opponents to reach safety) was delayed from last year, which is always a good sign. I'm hoping it will be delayed again until next year so I can reuse this paragraph, saving myself nearly 35 cents worth of writing effort.
Brüno: I'm in the small minority who thinks Sacha Baron Cohen's racist potty humor isn't funny. This time, instead of trotting out Euro-fascist stereotypes of Turkish immigrants, he makes fun of homosexuals. Oh, right, it's ironic; he's not really a bigot! I mean, imagine how funny it would be if he put on blackface and stole chickens. Oooh! Hilarious!
I Love You Beth Cooper: Nerdy boy (Paul Rust, who's ugly enough to be the next Patrick Dempsey) proclaims his love for hot girl (Hayden Panettiere, who in real life only dates guys old enough to commit statutory rape), and then they spend a zany night of fun together. It's like the '80s are back, only without U.S.-backed Latin American torture squads and the constant threat of nuclear annihilation. Good times, good times.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: There's only one really good Harry Potter movie, Prisoner of Azkaban, and the rest are as dull and bloated as Rush Limbaugh on a handful of OxyContin. I also have no idea why they replaced a warm, inviting actor like Richard Harris with a stunted, evil-looking man like Michael Gambon. I mean, Michael Gambon's a good actor, but it's as though Audrey Hepburn died in the middle of Breakfast at Tiffany's, and they replaced her with Shemp Howard. Anyway, this one could be good, because now, all the Hogwarts kids are old enough to have appeared nude in Broadway shows or tabloid photos, so it's like we know that they're real, because they have genitals.
The Ugly Truth: This stars Katherine Heigl and, based on the title, is, I assume, about her teeth.
G-Force: "A specially trained squad of guinea pigs is dispatched to stop a diabolical billionaire from taking over the world," says the Internet Movie Database. Wasn't this the plot of the first Gulf War?
Funny People: I guess the title is ironic, since the film stars Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen. Or maybe they couldn't get the rights to use the title Washed Up Guy and Overexposed Stoner. This is one of those dramatic, feel-good, discover-your-soul comedies. You know, a dram-fe-go-disc-yo-so-medy. Sandler plays a famous comedian who's dying ... of cancer! Ha! I guess I've found cancer funny ever since my last chest X-ray.
Aliens in the Attic: This teen film about white kids fighting aliens features Ashley Tisdale in a starring role ... at last! Plus it features Doris Roberts and Kevin Nealon, who are two totally hot and in-demand stars that young people can really relate to.
AUGUST MOVIES!
August was named after Augustus Caesar, who probably never knew that in the future, his month would be when the last of the summer blockbusters came out. Probably.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: This is the wet-dream version of G.I. Joe that every 13-year-old Snake-Eyes/Storm Shadow writer imagined in 1987. That's because computer graphics are now so advanced that we can make ridiculous cartoons look real with live actors. Wouldn't it be cool to do a mystical wuxia wire-fu thing where (I Dream of) Jeannie fights Samantha from Bewitched while the Ghost and Mrs. Muir get it on in magic cloud heaven? No? Just me?
Julie and Julia: Amy Adams and Meryl Streep are together again, but this time, they're not nuns, so maybe we can get that Amy Adams/Meryl Streep sex scene we've all been clamoring for. Or would that be more likely if they were nuns?
Shorts: Jon Cryer (the ugly guy from Two and a Half Men) plays the dad of Kat Denning (Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist). That's like imagining a world where large-mouth bass occasionally give birth to unicorns. Robert Rodriguez directs this effects-laden kiddie movie, which is about a pre-pubescent boy who finds a magic rock. If that's a metaphor, it's very disturbing.
Bandslam: It's another movie about a nerd boy hooking up with the hot girl, only this time, they're in a band. Vanessa Hudgens stars as the ugly girl who the boy should be hooking up with. I really want to move to the universe where Vanessa Hudgens is the ugly girl.
District 9: More idea-oriented sci-fi! This time, space aliens land in Africa, where they're stuck in a ghetto and treated as second-class citizens. It's a heavy-handed metaphor and a rip-off of another movie (Alien Nation), but, then, that and sex with green-skinned aliens are what science fiction is all about.
Inglourious Basterds: Director Quentin Tarantino is so bad-ass he doesn't use a spell-checker. Brad Pitt stars as the leader of a squadron of Jewish-American soldiers in World War II. With Samuel L. Jackson, Diane Kruger, Eli Roth and Mike Myers. Wait, seriously, Mike Myers? Was Chevy Chase not available?
Goose on the Loose: Omigod a movie with Chevy Chase! I assumed that Chevy Chase wasn't a real person anymore; he was just a punchline. This comedy about a talking goose has been sitting in the can for three years now, and I guess it has developed enough of a stink that they had to let it out.
The Boat That Rocked: It's a British mod comedy, but, luckily, Mike Myers was too busy making Inglourious Basterds to get anywhere near it. It's got Kenneth Branagh and Philip Seymour Hoffman, who are reasonably discerning, and is written by one of the Blackadder writers, so this film about an illegal radio station in 1960s Britain might actually not suck.
H2: Michael Myers (the disgusting monster, not the guy from The Love Guru; wait, that doesn't clarify anything) returns in Rob Zombie's sequel to his remake of Halloween. Starring Malcolm McDowell and Brad Dourif, who are both old enough and cool enough to remember the 1960s Z-movies that gave Zombie his twisted inspiration.
And that's about it for the summer. I mean, it's going to be hot, and there'll be mosquitoes, and you'll curse the days, and then after 80 or 90 summers, you'll be dead, and then you'll lie in your grave wishing for just one more summer. So, whatever, waste your life going to the movies. That's just what the God-hating liberals want you to do.
OTHER MOVIES OPENING THIS SUMMER
Beverly Hills Chicano
Iron Man vs. Grizzly Man vs. Man of La Mancha
The Hilarious Case of Benjamin House Bunny
Indiana Jones and the Cynical Cash-In
The Day the Earth Warmed Up Two Degrees
Hancock II: Franklin, Jefferson and Washington
The Secret Life of Knees
Charlie and the Chrysler Factory
Twilight II: A Little After 10 p.m.
A Spiderman for All Seasons
Quantum of Stupid
The Diving Bell and the Butter Knife
Horton Hears a Memo From Jay Bybee Encouraging Him to Boil the Whos
Sex and the City II: AARP Sluts
The Passion of Paul Blart
The Batman Who Would Be King
Hannah Montana and the Encroaching Sex Scandal
Remembering That You Forgot Sarah Marshall and Feeling OK About It
I Am Legend II: I Am Just a Pretty Good Story
Saw VI: Sawperman and the Quest for Peace
Tyler Perry and the Big Fat Lady of Christian Cash
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Chlamydia
Zak and Miri Make a Promo
No Country for Snowmen
Star Trek II: President Ospockma
The X-Files: I Want to Believe I Can Resurrect This Franchise
Kit Kittredge: An American Squirrel
Slumdog Millionaire II: Beverly Hills Redneck
Doubt II: Reasonable Doubt
Batman Returns Some Books to the Library
Alvin and the Chippendales Dancers
Harry Potter and the Uncomfortably Horny Feeling
The Passion of the Christ II: Nailin' It!
My Big Fat AIG Bonus Check
X-Men vs. Buddha
National Treasure: Box of Sucrets
The Da Vinci Load
The Day After the Perfect Storm of Dalmatians
Blartman: The Mall Knight Returns
I, Rove-Bot
Sacha Baron Cohen's Poop Jokes That Effete Liberals Will Like
The Sensual Case of Benjamin Hard-On
Smokey and the Band-Aid
The Addams Family Affair of the Heart Is a Lonely Hunter
The 40-Year-Old Sturgeon
Paul Blart in Australia: Crocodile Pudgie
Outbreak II: The Shawshank Infection
The Treasure of the Sierra Madre Mia!
1,001 Reservoir Dalmatians
Full Metal Jaguar
Three Men and a Million Dollar Baby
Amores Perros II: Odia a Los Gatos
Double Jeopardy II: Wheel of Fortune
Rashomon II: Rashowoman
The Elephant Man Who Shot Liberty Valance
—J.D.
