As a service to you and your family, we urge you to take the following notes under consideration. Failure to do so will result in a holiday season absolutely drenched with the blood and gore of everyone you love.
Billy Ball
Price: $11.99
Tagline: "There's a new ball in town! Billy Ball!"
Description: Dark gray inflatable rubber ball with big eyes and lolling tongue.
Hazards: Item appears to be sexually attracted to moving cars.
George Allen-Brand Macaca Doll
Price: $24.99
Tagline: "This fellow over here with the yellow shirt, macaca or whatever his name was, he's with my opponent."
Description: Stuffed monkey wearing a yellow shirt, holding a banana.
Hazards: Choking hazard.
Hypoallergenic Mongoose
Price: $2,300
Tagline: "Now anyone can have a mongoose!"
Description: Genetically engineered by a California biotech company, these animals will allow even children with severe dander allergies to own their own mongoose.
Hazards: Danger still posed to children allergic to getting ripped apart by a vicious wild animal.
Water Polio [sic] Playset
Price: $100
Tagline: "Fun for Everyone!"
Description: Water polo set, made for private pools.
Hazards: Due to unfortunate typo on box, hundreds of disabled children have drowned attempting to play game.
Spray-On Condom
Price: $12
Tagline: "Spray it before you hit it."
Description: A spray can you insert your penis into, which then sprays on a rubber condom.
Hazards: Many cans contain bees.
Mel Gibson Tequila
Price: $24.99 per bottle
Tagline: "Thrash your sobriety like those sneaky Jews thrashed our Lord and Savior."
Description: Bottle of tequila emblazoned with a picture of Mel doing that crazy smile he always does now.
Hazards: Product sometimes causes drinker to expose the truth about the warmongering Jews, then get unfairly tarred as an anti-Semite by the media, which is run by warmongering Jews. Jews Jews Jews.
Power Wheels Border Bounder Electric Car
Price: $249.99
Tagline: "Beaners beware! The Border Bounder is on the hunt!"
Description: Battery-powered jeep with Arizona plates, a toy rifle, a huge net and a bumper sticker reading "America for Americans."
Hazards: Dude, shouldn't you be at work or something?
E. Coli Plush Doll
Price: $24.99
Tagline: "Fun is contagious!"
Description: Actually less of a plush doll than a congealed mass of raw chicken and tainted spinach that drips all over the place.
Hazards: The fun actually is contagious.
Michael Richards Commemorative Fork
Price: $7.99
Tagline: "Fifty years ago, we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass!"
Description: Specially engraved talking Kramer TV dinner fork evokes hilarity with every bite.
Hazards: Choking hazard.
Mitt Romney His and Hers Nighties
Price: $79.95
Tagline: "Keep it sexy--keep it Mormon."
Description: Spark some magic in the bedroom with these replica Temple Garments (aka magic underpants).
Hazards: Screwing in garbage bags would probably be sexier.
Dick Hunting Video Game
Price: $49.99
Tagline: "Take your best shot ... with the vice president."
Description: First-person accidental shooter.
Hazards: Laughter provoked by game is irresponsible and only serves to embolden our enemies.
Ted Haggard-Brand Meth
Price: $200 per eightball
Tagline: "Feel the rush, feel the Lord."
Description: It's the only home-brewed meth endorsed by the National Association of Evangelicals.
Hazards: Kids don't know you're supposed to throw the meth away. Stupid kids.
My Iraqi Sandbox
Price: $2 billion per month
Tagline: "Freedom ain't free, but it sure is fun."
Description: A holiday classic returns for another year! This sandbox, full of ululating ethnic types, leaky oil pipelines and firecrackers, will be the only toy little Timmy plays with all year.
Hazards: No, seriously--Timmy won't play with anything else, because he'll be stuck in this thing forever. Also, the toy quickly loses its appeal and novelty, and appears to be a choking hazard.
Authentic Star Wars Lightsaber
Price: $99.99
Tagline: "Brad, come feel the Force."
Description: The most realistic lightsaber yet! Slash your way to freedom and intergalactic fame! Batteries not included!
Hazards: Crushing, eternal virginity.
Little Man DVD
Price: $28.95
Tagline: "Big Things Come in Small Packages."
Description: "Hired to steal the fabulous Queen Diamond, pint-sized jewel thief Calvin Sims (Marlon Wayans) and his dimwitted partner, Percy (Tracy Morgan), stash the stone in Vanessa Edwards' (Kerry Washington) handbag when their getaway plans go uproariously awry. Discovering Vanessa's husband, Darryl (Shawn Wayans), who's hopelessly obsessed with becoming a father, Calvin trades in his duds for diapers and poses as an abandoned baby. Suffering through a host of hysterical humiliations and outrageous family outings, Calvin desperately tries to retrieve the gem before his cover is blown, and Darryl and Vanessa really cut him down to size."
Hazards: Movie's fucking awful.
Real Live Elf
Price: $2,500
Tagline: "Bring the North Pole home."
Description: A real Santa's elf, Hank, brings the magic of Christmas to life and into your home.
Hazards: Turns out Hank isn't a real elf, just some dwarf prick who refuses to pee in the toilet.
Li'l Status Whore Botox Injections
Price: $129.99
Tagline: "Don't worry, don't smile, don't move a muscle."
Description: Now even the littlest socialites can be just like mommy and daddy, and blast away the worry lines caused by long afternoons of learning the ABCs.
Hazards: Besides looking dangerously good? None.
Dockers
Price: $48
Tagline: "Classic khaki comfort for work and play. Soft, brushed fabric that stays wrinkle-free all day."
Description: Classic American pleated pants.
Hazards: Look like ass.
Li'l Crip Prison Tattoo Kit, Home Edition
Price: $67
Tagline: "Who's street? We're street!"
Description: Rusty needle and homemade dye let Billy and Tommy ink each other just like they do in the big house.
Hazards: Possible infection; guaranteed spikes in street cred.
Series of Tubes
Price: $7.99 per yard
Tagline: "It's not a dump truck! It's a series of tubes!"
Description: Send an Internet the old-fashioned way, with the only pneumatic tubing system endorsed by Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska).
Hazards: Tubes occasionally become clogged by enormous amounts of material. Sometimes, Internets sent on Thursday won't appear until Monday.
Big City Garage Parking Spot
Price: $300 per month
Tagline: "Watch your back, lady!"
Description: Place to park your car is inexplicably dark, grainy-looking and chock-full of terrifying would-be rapists. Weird, huh?
Hazards: Rape, choking hazard.
Suzy's Little Helper
Price: $73.95
Tagline: "What a drag it is being 8."
Description: Bottle of OxyContin helps little ones cope with stress of elementary school.
Hazards: Is heroin not chic anymore? No? Well, that's one right there.
Nicole Richie Gag Spoon
Price: $165
Tagline: "Keep those pounds off ... in style!"
Description: A life-sized replica of Nicole Richie, which image-conscious children can use to induce vomiting.
Hazards: Many children have cut themselves on item's razor-sharp ribs.
K-Fed Condoms
Price: $0.35
Tagline: "PopoWow!"
Description: Condoms from Britney Spears' ex are not actual condoms, but instead are one-ply tissues that you put on your junk. Needless to say, it's not the most effective prophylactic in the world. On the plus side, you can equip it with a camera for extortion purposes.
Hazards: None that we can see.
Cavedwellers Action Set
Price: $24.99
Tagline: "Git 'er done--collect 'em all."
Description: They drink! They chain-smoke! They watch NASCAR and knock up their sisters and rail against Darwin and don't read! Now they're plastic, and you can take a piece of Kentucky home.
Hazards: Rickets.
Light Water Nuclear Reactor
Price: $3 billion
Tagline: "I don't care what your friend Mahmoud got last year."
Description: Be the most energy-independent kid on your block, and enrich some weapons-grade plutonium while you're at it.
Hazards: Tempts sharply worded reprisal from United Nations. So, no hazards at all.
Bag of Potato Chips
Price: $1.69
Tagline: "It's a vegetable, right?"
Description: Bag of potato chips.
Hazards: Obesity, greasy fingers.
Swiss Army Jackknife-in-the-Box
Price: $16.85
Tagline: "Jack-in-the-Box 2.0!"
Description: Metal box containing high-quality, springloaded jackknife.
Hazards: None. Boy needs to learn to defend himself.
Foamy, the Authentic Mexican Chihuahua
Price: Free, if your aunt smuggles it back from Tijuana for you.
Tagline: "Teacup pup picks your spirits up!"
Description: Small, shivering, runny-eyed, hair-covered tumor.
Hazards: OMG, it was actually a rabid Mexican sewer rat! It totally happened to the cousin of this girl we know, for real!
This originally appeared in Boston's Weekly Dig.
