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Historically Horrible

One of the worst movies ever? '10,000 B.C.' brought in $35.7 million last weekend

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I know what you're thinking: "Say, it's about time we got a movie from the guy who did Independence Day about wooly mammoths and prehistoric humans with dreadlocks! And those dreadlocked humans should speak near-perfect English adorned by something akin to a German accent!"

That's just what you get with 10,000 B.C.--honestly, one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I can't believe this thing got the green light: It's bloated, boring, moronic, derivative and flat-out ridiculous.

Even more amazing, people flocked to see it on its opening weekend; it earned an estimated $35.7 million.

Steven Strait plays D'Leh, a Chippendale's caveman with eyes for Evolet, played by the hot girl from When a Stranger Calls (Camilla Belle). D'Leh (a captivating name if there ever was one) wants to be the one who kills the mammoth, because then he'd get the white spear and Evolet, and those are good enough reasons to kill an endangered species. He kills the mammoth, but he uses the same routine as Anthony Hopkins in The Edge: Prop spear in rocks; make animal run after you; animal falls on spear and then falls on you.

He deems his method of mammoth-murdering cowardice for some reason that I really didn't discern (or care about). He gives back the spear and the hot girl, and starts acting all sullen.

Meanwhile, Evolet gets kidnapped by a marauding crew resembling Vikings, although they don't have the funny hats with horns in them. They do have the whole raping-and-pillaging routine going, so D'Leh takes off after them in an effort to regain his dignity and get the girl.

For starters, I have no idea where this film takes place. It starts off in snow, then the prehistoric dudes go for a walk and wind up in the desert, and then there are pyramids everywhere. Egypt? Canada? Mexico? Jersey? I have no goddamn idea.

And let's get back to the whole speaking-English thing: D'Leh and his crew speak English, yet they run into an African-looking tribe that speaks their own tongue. (Director/co-writer/co-producer Roland Emmerich is kind enough to provide subtitles.) However, somebody in the African tribe also knows English and acts as a translator.

So let me get this straight: Ancient civilizations had foreign-exchange programs in which dudes could go learn other languages in exchange for face paint and bone jewelry? D'Leh's dad went to live with the African tribe at some point, so perhaps that explains the whole convenient translator thing.

The CGI mammoths look relatively cool, but not that much better than the one Ray Romano portrayed in Ice Age. Most hilarious is the depiction of a giant saber-toothed tiger that D'Leh rescues from drowning. The tiger spares him and later saves his ass when a tribe is prepared to filet him. Yes, this is a friendly saber-toothed-tiger movie, and the beast isn't voiced by Denis Leary.

There are many other things that make this movie stupid, like a character named Old Mother, who looks like the creepy Rastafarian from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Old Mother dances around in her tent--where the sunlight breaks through in a truly artistic manner--and prophesizes shit. She also spits on everybody before they take long journeys, an act I consider rude. There's the young hunter wannabe who looks like that scat-singing dickhead Justin from American Idol several seasons ago, and some cloaked dude who calls himself the Pyramid God, even though he is very susceptible to spears. There's also the great warrior Tic Tic (played by Cliff Curtis), and I couldn't help but think of Tic Tacs, the refreshing little breath mints, whenever anybody said his name.

If you plunk down the dough for this one, you will find yourself staring at one of the most moronic movies ever made. Just a few minutes into the movie, a little boy at the screening proclaimed, "I don't want to watch this movie, Mommy!" Well said, little man ... well said.

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