Way back when we were kids, the three scourges of the playground were The Bully, The Snitch and The Yobbit. By the time we reached adulthood, there weren't many bullies left. Most had had their asses beaten, not by other bullies, but by former victims who had grown into bodies (and temperaments) that allowed them to stand up to bullies. Snitches dwindled in number as well, as they learned the negative consequences of their actions (especially in rap videos), and either gave up the practice altogether or learned how to ply their trade in a discrete manner.
Sad to say, the Yobbits never seem to go away. You remember them; they get caught cheating on a test and say, "Yeah, but (Yobbit) Tom was running in the hallway last week." He gets popped for running in the hallway and it's "Yeah, but Tom used the pencil sharpener without asking permission first."
The modern Yobbit is the homicidal selfish buttwipe who drives down a busy street with one-and-a-half hands and both eyes on a cellphone. When you point out that they're going to kill somebody, they come back with, "Yeah, but that guy changed the track on his CD player. What about him? That's just as dangerous!"
I hope they all die before they get a chance to kill somebody else.
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the hiring of a coach who, over the years, had earned a certain amount of notoriety for his use of an illegal substance. Seeing as how the University of Arizona men's basketball program is probably the preeminent collegiate athletic program in the entire American Southwest, it didn't seem like that big a stretch to wonder why nobody at the introductory press conference bothered to ask him whether he still engages in illegal activity.
This brought the Yobbits storming out of their dens. One guy basically wrote, "Tom doesn't smoke marijuana, so Tom should smoke marijuana." Another guy earned express entry into the Yobbit Hall of Fame when he followed his impassioned defense of marijuana with, "Yeah, but Tom eats Doritos."
That's just sad. Except for a handful of easily deluded Bay Area jurors a few decades back, no one—and I mean no one—sincerely believes that the consumption of some tortilla chips and salsa or a couple of Chips Ahoy cookies is the same as smoking a mind-altering drug. Nobody's that stupid.
One commenter posted this (and I quote): "Tom's judgement (sic) is impaired because of all that crap for crap food he eats by his own admission. The toll it's taken on him is as clear as day. But it's completely legal to stick me and others with his reconstructive knee surgeries so you have to feel superior for that reason alone."
I'm wondering if he has me confused with somebody else. I had my tonsils removed in a doctor's office when I was a little kid. I guess that counts as surgery. If so, it's the only one I've ever had. I've had a few stitches over the years and a couple of minor broken bones (but no casts). And despite my advanced age and weight, my knees are fine. Most important, if I did need surgery, the responsibility for paying for it would be mine and nobody else's.
I decided early on that life is a gift and that I wanted to go through mine in full possession of my faculties at all times. That's why I don't drink or smoke, use drugs or even take medicine. But please believe me on this: I don't think that makes me better than anybody else. That just makes me, me. I have lots of friends who drink and there are people near and dear to me who, through circumstance or happenstance, have to take medicine on a daily basis.
But do you know what those people never say to me? "I drink, Tom, so you should drink."
And do you know why they never say that to me? Because they're not jackass Yobbits.
Let me state this as clearly as I possibly can. It wouldn't bother me a bit if marijuana were legalized. I agree that there are a whole lot of people in prison (simply because they smoked weed) who probably shouldn't be there. While I'm not stupid enough (like some people) to claim that marijuana is completely harmless, I don't think it's nearly as bad for people as alcohol, heavy smoking, meth, cocaine, heroin or a wide variety of pharmaceuticals.
It may become legal in Arizona someday, but it won't become so based on the over-reaching ballot proposal currently being circulated by 60-ish Scottsdale resident Dennis Bohlke, who keeps getting popped for breaking traffic laws while having marijuana in his car and/or system. Bohlke wants the legal age for marijuana to be 18 and he wants to prevent the police from testing impaired drivers for pot in their system.
Yeah, that's gonna pass.
People are going to keep smoking. I just hope they stop trying to convince me (and themselves) that it makes them smarter or funnier or better-looking, because it doesn't. It just gets them high. And please don't do it before or while driving, or before sitting next to me at a concert.
You probably don't notice it, but you stink like ass.