As a citizen of Tucson, Ariz., the United States and the world, it is my honor and duty to offer advice to those in need. I do so willingly and at no cost. I only hope that people listen and that it does some good. Here goes:
ADVISEE: San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum, the former National League Cy Young Award-winning pitcher whose blazing fastball has slowed down considerably and whose once-gaudy win total is now more of a jaw-dropping loss total.
ADVICE: Smoke more marijuana. Back when you were riding high (you know), you made no secret of your affection for the herb. Having witnessed pothead behavior for decades, I can say that the accepted belief in that community is that if some is good, then more must be better. Jeez, you're less than an hour's drive from Petaluma, for crying out loud.
ADVISEE: U.S. Rep. Allen West, R-Fla., said, among other things, that up to 80 members of Congress are communists; that anyone with an Obama bumper sticker is "a threat to the gene pool"; that liberal women are making men subservient, which somehow leads directly to an increase in the national debt; and that "we should be censoring the American news agencies." West also claimed that the Arab news agency Al-Jazeera wanted to kidnap him, and that Democrats would have a fan in Joseph Goebbels. (Yes, he called Democrats both communists and Nazis.)
Plus (as if we need more), the guy Sarah Palin is recommending as Mitt Romney's running mate said some members of Congress "should get shot at," this just a few months after Gabrielle Giffords got shot. This guy's got class written all over him. Except for the "c" and the "l."
ADVICE: Milk the Tea Party circuit before they all get too scared and go back to being underground militia members. Dude, you could really clean up on the election circuit the rest of this summer and into the early autumn. Apparently, the jackasses in Florida gave you an even loonier district than before, so you won't have to worry about being re-elected. You can go out and help like-minded lunatics get elected. You can be like that guy on Scrubs who was hired to walk around medical conventions, point at people with both hands and say, "Bust a move!"
You can show up and spew your stupid crap and, since you're not of the Caucasian persuasion, no one can criticize you. And, the Tea Party folks can feel good about themselves, because they've found a sorta-black guy who agrees with them. You're money!
ADVISEE: Suha, widow of Yasser Arafat, who claims that a Swiss lab found abnormally high levels of radioactive polonium-210 in a pair of underwear once worn by Arafat, who died in 2004. She's thinking of having his body exhumed to see whether he was poisoned by the Israelis.
ADVICE: Keep the wedding photos, lose the chonies. Doctors have said that the symptoms of what Arafat died from aren't consistent with radiation poisoning. More important, he was kind of a grungy guy when he was alive. After eight years, even the pope's underwear would probably be radioactive.
ADVISEE: The Arizona Highway Patrol, which ... patrols Arizona's highways.
ADVICE: Please put a real-life officer near the Prince Road area of Interstate 10. Please. My middle finger is becoming arthritic responding to people who honk and whiz past me at 75 miles per hour on a part of the interstate where the speed limit is 55. Heck, just park an empty Highway Patrol vehicle near that spot where the eastbound lanes veer into what used to be the westbound lanes. I'd just love for some of those clods who go racing down I-10, heading towards downtown, to get an industrial-strength case of sphincter lock.
And we won't even talk about the westbound lanes along the frontage road, where the speed limit is supposedly 45.
ADVISEES: All the whiners who are beside themselves because, for once, a U. S. Supreme Court decision didn't go their way.
ADVICE: For all you crybabies who are aghast that the Supreme Court upheld the centerpiece of the Obama administration, the Affordable Care Act, I have some words of advice left over from 12 years ago, when the same court decided to unilaterally determine the outcome of the 2000 presidential election. In the all-too-mortal words of Justice Antonin Scalia (who may very well be the worst Supreme Court justice of all time), get over it.
ADVISEES: People who can't handle the truth. Last year, this group included a coalition of apologists who were outraged at the suggestion by Sen. John McCain that some wildfires are caused by people who are in this country illegally. Oh, the moaning and gnashing of teeth over that outrageous suggestion (which turns out to be true). Now it's the gun folks who are getting the vapors because Forest Service officials claim that dozens of Western wildfires were sparked by shooting enthusiasts, including a handful of geniuses who fire incendiary ammunition. Instead of saying, "Gee, that's not very bright; we should be more careful," they retreat to the safe haven of seeing it as just another potential gun grab by politicians and bureaucrats who simply don't know what it means to be an American.
ADVICE: Learn to handle the truth.