by Jim Nintzel
Peter "Simon" Bollander made quite a splash in his first run for the presidency in 2008. He's back this year, although he's switched from a Democrat to a Republican and has evidently joined the Hair Club for Men.
We don't have time to go into Bollander's entire 10-Star program, but we're hoping he has time to send us an electronic version so we can share the entire plan with you. But we can tell you what we told you in 2008:
Peter Bollander boasts that he has more than 100 hours of on-camera television experience and an excellent speaking voice that can deliver heavy Jewish and Italian accents. He’s worked summer stock in Hawaii and has karate training. And he’s managed up to five people at any given time. His obvious qualifications for the White House aside, Bollander has some big ideas. Here’s one: The “Uncle Sam Sweepstakes.” Bollander proposes that lottery tickets be sold across the globe, with 10 percent of the proceeds going to the winners and 90 percent being locked in a trust fund. In just a few decades, we’d have a couple of trillion dollars to solve the nation’s financial problems—all financed by Third World residents who dream of a better life and are really bad at math.