To assess the zombie-readiness of each place, they judged each city by a combination of three factors: resources, defense, and demographics. The higher the overall score, the better equipped the region is to survive.

The cities that scored highly in the resources category were those with lots of hardware stores, sources of water, grocery stores or crop farms.

Your first instinct when faced with the possibility of total human destruction may be to just run, armed with whatever you may have picked up, with no particular destination in mind. But keep in mind that fighting off the undead is half the battle of surviving a zombie apocalypse—the other is making sure you have enough resources to keep yourself alive. Without a source of water, access to food (whether it’s canned or grown), and tools to create or reinforce a shelter, you might as well offer up your brains on a platter. With these metrics in mind, the Midwest, Pacific Northwest are the best places to build your zombie-proof home.

If you want to make sure you can defend yourself, areas with access to guns, ammunition manufacturing and military bases are the best places to go.

Luckily, areas with high concentrations of gun stores and ammunition manufacturing are scattered all throughout the country (especially in Nevada). If you weren’t a fan of the Second Amendment before, all it takes is an army of frenzied zombies to make you a convert.

Finally, towns with low population density and predominantly young, educated populations were deemed fit to adapt best to such an apocalyptic event.

Are we angry that an apparently dead issue is blocking our ability to celebrate America’s birthday? Yes!

Are we miffed that we’re being denied the ability to show this ridiculous little puppet movie for the 10th year in a row? You betcha!

Are we irritated that our annual potty-mouthed celebration of FREE F***IN’ SPEECH is being silenced? Yeppers!

Are we going to sit back and do nothing about it? Hell no!

You can expect an announcement of a replacement program soon. It won’t be Team America, but it will be patriotic, it will involve singing, and it will be FUN. May God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America. 

You’d think legislation to guarantee women who have been raped full custody of the children born of those rapes would be pretty easy to pass right? Well, as Samantha Bee learned on The Daily Show Wednesday night, not so much.

Bee spoke with Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz and Shauna Prewitt, an advocate for women to have the right to full custody of their children without going through a legal battle for them, an issue some states have prevented but a startlingly large number of others have not. Wasserman Schultz’s Rape Survivor Child Custody Act had bipartisan support, but as Bee frustratingly found out, the original bill didn’t pass because it “actually spends money” — $5 million a year for five years, to be specific.

• Image courtesy of Shutterstock

Monday's choice by the Supreme Court's to decline to hear several cases regarding same-sex marriage didn't mean same-sex couples now have a constitutional right to marry, but it did mean that in 30 states, same-sex couples can marry, either by the state's decision or through this Supreme Court non-ruling.

So, of course, people ARE FREAKING OUT about how the gays are going to ruin all the straight marriages, human sacrifices, dogs and cats are going to live together, mass hysteria, basically.

Hat tip to The Stranger's David Schmader for finding the saddest story ever, an op-ed reprinted by the Deseret News from Janna Darnelle, a Utah woman who had her life ripped apart and who won't stand for this tragedy to be repeated:

Every time a new state redefines marriage, the news is full of happy stories of gay and lesbian couples and their new families. But behind those big smiles and sunny photographs are other, more painful stories. These are left to secret, dark places. They are suppressed, and those who would tell them are silenced in the name of “marriage equality.”

But I refuse to be silent.

I represent one of those real-life stories that are kept in the shadows. I have personally felt the pain and devastation wrought by the propaganda that destroys natural families.

The sad part: Darnelle's husband left her in 2007 after ten years of marriage, announcing he is gay. Totally fair that Darnelle and her two children were devastated by that news. She certainly had expectations for how her life was going to be and this interruption was surely awful. Darnelle, unfortunately seems to believe that her husband woke up one day and decided to be gay, which is unlikely, but let's give her the fact that the "marriage" part of her life has been rough.

However, then the editorial gets a little unhinged:

USA Today did a photo journal shoot on my ex and his partner, my children, and even the grandparents. I was not notified that this was taking place, nor was I given a voice to object to our children being used as props to promote same-sex marriage in the media...

After our children’s pictures were publicized, a flood of comments and posts appeared. Commenters exclaimed at how beautiful this gay family was and congratulated my ex-husband and his new partner on the family that they “created.” But there is a significant person missing from those pictures: the mother and abandoned wife. That “gay family” could not exist without me.

There is not one gay family that exists in this world that was created naturally.

They took photos of her children STANDING NEXT TO GAYS. THE INJUSTICE.

Of course, it gets even worse for these kids as they've been absorbed in the Nightmarish Gay Underworld:

My children are brought to gay parties where they are the only children and where only alcoholic beverages are served. They are taken to transgender baseball games, gay rights fundraisers and LGBT film festivals...My son is now a maturing teen, and he is very interested in girls. But how will he learn how to deal with that interest when he is surrounded by men who seek sexual gratification from other men? How will he learn to treat girls with care and respect when his father has rejected them and devalues them?...

My daughter suffers too. She needs a dad who will encourage her to embrace her femininity and beauty, but these qualities are parodied and distorted in her father's world. Her dad wears makeup and sex bondage straps for Halloween. She is often exposed to men dressing as women...What is my little girl to believe about her own femininity and beauty? Her father should be protecting her sexuality. Instead, he is warping it.

The son? clearly going to end up gay as well. The daughter? Who even knows? Clearly, because of the rainbow-colored hellscape this woman is dealing with, we need to shut down gay marriage. And possibly ban bondage straps.

While social media campaigns didn't capture Kony or bring back the girls of the Chibok boarding school, at least Facebook Nation can claim one victory, convincing a giant corporation to sell a soda you probably forgot about in a very limited manner:

Coca-Cola Co. newest social-media campaign reaches back to a time when even MySpace didn’t exist.

Surge, a citrus-flavored Mountain Dew knockoff that was discontinued by Coke about 12 years ago, has reappeared in limited supply today. The only place to get it: Amazon.com.

Billed as the company’s first ever e-commerce reintroduction, the news was announced by the Facebook Fan site “Surge Movement,” whose 128,000 members lobbied for its return and paid for a billboard in Atlanta. Coke gave the drink a Twitter account, too, so loyalists can “follow the brand’s journey.”

“Surge is back,” the Facebook page’s organizers said, urging readers to buy and spread the word. “The Movement does not end here!”

If you're interested, Amazon is selling 12 16-ounce cans for $14, but it appears they're out already, which makes me worry about humanity a bit.

Personally, I'd be far more excited to get my hands on some OK Soda, which reflected the ironic ennui of my 90's experience more than the aggro Dew-like aesthetic of Surge, but hey, I might be a Facebook group and 127,999 like-minded nostalgists away from making my retro-dreams come true.

While I grew up with Christian movies that were never going to get near an actual movie theater instead relegated to VHS tapes shown at Friday youth group nights (still love you, Thief in the Night), the recent successes of God's Not Dead ($62 million at the box office on a $2 million budget), Fireproof ($33 million on a $500,000 budget) and others means that you're going to see Christian-themed films on the marquee right next to the big-budget blockbusters for awhile. There's part of the church-going side of me that would hope that someone might use the opportunity provided by the box-office possibilities to make an actual movie about the complexities of faith (a remake of Make Way for Tomorrow, maybe?), but hey, instead, we get something from noted theologian Kirk Cameron about the nonsense "War on Christmas." Woo hoo.

Well, you've got to love any movie with a character named "Christian White," who actually makes some valid points about the celebration of Christmas before Kirk Cameron tells him to enjoy himself and just buy some stuff at the mall or something. I personally grimaced at hearing a list of things we're supposed to enjoy about Christmas that puts "feasting" ahead of "selfless giving of yourself to others" or "remembering and caring for those who might be less fortunate than us" (neither made the countdown, but hey, at least "dancing" got a mention, but hey, as long as we can bully another retail worker, abused by absurdly long shifts and the worst of humanity driven by an endless thirst for stuff we don't really need, into saying "Merry Christmas" instead of an equally pleasant and wildly more considerate to our polycultural society remark like "Happy Holidays," then Kirk Cameron's work will all be worth it.

Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas is set to be released in a theater near you on November 14.