I never really thought of my life as one big Oprah show, until I began to frequent two Mexican fast-food joints this past month: Nico's and Los Betos. It was at the drive-thru windows of these establishments that I came to grips with two issues I now wrestle with: emotional eating, and my love of carnitas.

Carnitas in the form of a burro is the food I loved best this past month when life threw me a fast one. Carnitas is meat, and the best kind of meat--PORK--cut in little bite size pieces cooked and seasoned in a way that could bring Dr. Atkins back from the grave (hold his tortilla).

I don't like drama. The result is that sometimes, I act like I come from the loins of Spock. But if I don't change soon, my ass will be too big to fly coach.

The other problem with emotional eating is that in my happy life, I love food. This doesn't bode well for a woman in need of a good diet. I also can't use the excuse anymore that the majority of my roundness comes from my years-ago habit of imbibing too many pints of dark dark stout. (I also tell myself often that stout pounds are permanent--something no diet can rid.)

The bright side of my recent Mexican meltdown? I discovered Nico's makes the best carnitas: Surely, its pork is marinated in Prozac. Reality? Fatty meat rules. Los Betos is still there for me, especially at 2 a.m. at Campbell and Broadway. Nico's, however, now holds my carnitas-loving heart.

I'm on the mend now. I haven't been there in a week. It's just nice to know Nico's is there when life is crap.

The Tucson Police Deparment's photo-radar van will be in the following areas on Wednesday, Nov. 28:

• 7 to 9 a.m.: Tolson Elementary, 1000 Block South Greasewood Road
• 9:30 to 1:30 p.m.: On 22nd Street near Starr Pass Boulevard
• 2 to 4 p.m.: At Menlo Park on Grande Avenue near St. Mary's Road
• 4:30 to 8 p.m.: On Greasewood Road near Speedway Boulevard

Project White House has its first candidate!

For those who came in late: Last week, TW debuted Project White House, a foray into Reality Journalism that’s encouraging readers to launch their own campaign for president.

It turns out that all you have to do to get your name on Arizona's Feb. 5 presidential primary ballot is fill out a form that’s we’ve conveniently posted here. Feel free to download it, get it notarized and send it to Arizona Secretary of State Jan Brewer.

But if you want us to cover your campaign, you should send us your platform—even if it’s nothing more than an essay of 250 words or less about why you’re seeking the White House—by Friday, Dec. 7. Then our judges will decide whether we consider you newsworthy.

If we like what you’ve got to say, we’ll cover your campaign and even notarize your nomination for free!

Our first contestant is Robert Mac, a comedian who calls Tucson home when he’s not out on the stand-up circuit.

Mac sent the following to Project White House:

Why I Want to Run for President

By Robert Mac (age 39 and a half) (almost)

The other day, my mom Pat came down to the garage even though she’s not allowed to without permission, and we were watching the news from Washington and she said at this rate I'm smart enough to be president. Why would she say that? Well, I’m always thinking about problems—I’m a problem thinker and I have the doctor’s note to prove it. And I’m old enough to be president: I’m 39 and a half almost.

I have a lot of good ideas. My brain is so dense with ideas. I don’t want to make it sound like I’m bragging, but I’m probably the densest candidate ever.

For instance, I know how to solve the immigration problem once and for all. My “Shorter Border Order” will bring income into our country AND make the border easier to protect. It’ll kill two birds with one stone. That’s just one idea.

My war plan will make fighting the war easier AND cheaper. I just killed another two birds.

I have simple plans to reduce global warming (everyone needs to run their air conditioning all the time with their windows open—doy!), fix the health care system, and scare away terrorists.

Plus, my Alaskan Energy Conservation plan will both supply oil AND get oil-producing countries off our back. Two more birds!

In summary, my mom Pat is right. I’m going to be a great president. So, vote for me: I kill birds!

Mac will be launching his campaign as part of this weekend’s Comedy Fiasco, which features a Christmas 2008 theme. (“Only 389 shopping days left. Standup, skits, songs, game shows with prizes and possible humiliation.”)

You should so totally go check out his act at 6:30 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 1, at Club Congress, 311 E. Congress St. Tickets are just $7.

And in the meantime, launch your own campaign with Project White House! E-mail us at ProjectWhiteHouse@tucsonweekly.com or drop a package into the mail to P.O. Box 27087, Tucson, AZ 85726.

Run, You, Run!

The Tucson Police Department's photo-radar van will be in the following areas on Tuesday, Nov. 27:

• 7 to 9 a.m.: 500 Block of East Glenn Street
• 9:30 to 1:30 p.m.: On Flowing Wells near Miracle Mile
• 2:30 to 8 p.m.: On Kino Parkway near 22nd Street

This didn't make it into the Noshing Around column but I thought it was worthy of a mention.

Chick-fil-A will open its first two stand-alone restaurants in Tucson on Thursday, Nov. 29, giving away $26,000 in free Chick-fil-A food to the first 100 adults in line at both locations that morning. The new restaurants are located at 4585 N. Oracle Road and at 3605 E. Broadway Blvd (formerly Krispy Kremes).

A one-year supply of free Chick-fil-A Combo Meals (52 coupons) will be awarded to each of the first 100 adults, age 18 and older with identification, at each new stand-alone restaurant. The lines can begin forming up to 24 hours prior to the opening, with the prizes being given away on Nov. 29 between 6 a.m. and 6:30 a.m. The restaurants will open immediately afterward.

I wonder if this will be a raving scene like In-N-Out Burger?

If you go, tell us what happens.

• 7 to 9 a.m.: School crossing on Escalante Road near Prudence Road
• 9:30 to 1:30 p.m.: On Research Loop south of Golf Links Road
• 2 to 4 p.m.: Desert Willow Elementary School, 9600 Block East Esmond Loop
• 4:30 to 8 p.m.: On Valencia Road near Old Vail Road

The Tucson Police Department's photo-radar van will be in the following areas on Saturday, Nov. 24:

• 9 to 4 p.m.: On Speedway Boulevard near Kolb Road
• 2:30 to 7 p.m.: On 22nd Street near Craycroft Road

After a day off for Thanksgiving ... the Tucson Police Department's photo-radar van will be in the following areas (near the town's two biggest shopping areas, interestingly enough) on Friday, Nov. 23:

• 9 to 2 p.m.: On Oracle Road near Wetmore Road
• 2:30 to 7 p.m.: On Wilmot Road near 22nd Street

Here is an excerpt from Paul Bibeau's Sundays With Vlad, published by Three Rivers Press in October. While this book doesn't meet our criteria for review (there's no local angle), I felt it was humorous enough to share.

He writes, "My book, Sundays With Vlad started out as a Maxim article about the failed Dracula theme park in Romania, but it became a rich and strange meditation on globalization, crime, and the horrors of funnel cake. Parade Magazine named it their pick of the week, and Bookfetish declared that 'it's so damn funny that you won't even realize that you learned something.'" Check it out at www.vladlives.com.

Funnel cake is never a good idea. But you don't remember that, and you fool yourself every time. It comes out of the dark screened window hot on the plate, dusted like an early morning frost. And the first bite is crisp and rich and full of memories of every carnival you ever saw, knocking the milk bottles over on the first try and hefting that impossibly large stuffed panda out from the booth and giving it to your best girl. The first bite satisfies you in a way that nothing has in years. Funnel cake should come in pill form. You'd take one every Monday morning to replenish your youth and wonder and get you through your workweek.

But funnel cake doesn't come in pills. It comes in one size only: a hot greased chunk as big as your head. And while the first bite is wonderful, the second bite is where you realize you've just eaten a handful of Crisco and cake frosting. The second bite reminds you that the milk bottles were welded together, and you didn't have a best girl… just a carny giving you the eye.

He pulled the lever to lock you into a Tilt-a-Whirl that looked like it was made out of scrap iron, and as it whipped around faster and faster you saw the fat kid two seats over begin to make ominous, silent heaving motions…

The first bite is Ronald and Bozo and Red Skelton. The second bite is the Joker and John Wayne Gacy. And after that one, there are more. Acid burns the back of your throat, but you can't stop, can you? You hunch over to keep the sugar from blowing away, and you know you have to finish. So you do the only thing you can. You grab your friend, your relative. Someone close. Someone you love. And you betray them.

"Here," you say, giving them half, "help me."

Like a family of junkies, you huddle together feeling hateful and sick. And if you recover, you promise yourself you won't ever eat this crap again. Like any addict you lie, and when you can't lie anymore, you make yourself forget.

As JB points out, the new issue of includes Project White House, a chance for you to run for president of the United States. Turns out that you merely have to fill out a notarized nomination form to get on Arizona's presidential primary in February, so we're encouraging our readers to show that they've got fire in their belly. And if you're a newsworthy candidate, we'll even cover your campaign.

The grand prize in our foray into Reality Journalism: The coveted Tucson Weekly endorsement!

People of America, it's now up to you.