Best Catered-To Kids Restaurant

READERS' PICK: According to the Los Angeles Times, a recent memo from a McDonald's executive claimed that parents take their children to McDonald's because they "want the kids to love them. ... It makes them feel like a good parent." And what better way to show your love for your children than to have them become addicted to processed food rich in fat, salt and sugar with almost no nutritive value whatsoever? Forget about the party-pooping "medical experts" who claim that diets of this type are inextricably linked with obesity, cancer, diabetes, hyperactivity and heart disease! (These are the same left-wing alarmists and college professors who are always complaining about the so called "global warming," which the Bush administration has proven to be just a bunch of bureaucratic nonsense.) And you don't have to worry about having your children exposed to dangerous Wobblies, Teamsters or other union workers when they supersize their French-fried potatoes; thanks to John Crooke, McDonald's former head of labor relations, there are no unions! Or overtime! No, you won't see Joe Hill at McDonald's, alive as you or me; just cholesterol, cinnamyl isobutyrate, colorful Disney merchandise tie-ins and a corps of unskilled teen-agers who make almost as little money as migrant farm workers! Did you know that an entirely new breed of chicken was genetically engineered to produce McNuggets? Incredible! Did you know that Americans spend more money on fast food than they do on higher education, automobiles, computers, video games, books and newspapers? Astonishing! Did you know your children won't love you and will grow up bitter and resentful and become addicted to drugs and alternative lifestyles if you don't take them to McDonald's at least three times a week? Better get the SUV fired up, folks; it's time for a Big Mac! Let's all sing together: Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun ...