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All-New Levels of Suck

If you want your soul sucked out of your eye sockets, then the Jonas Brothers' 3-D film is for you!

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Having put it off as long as I could, I sat down Saturday night, near midnight, for a screening of Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience. I'd heard a few of their so-called tunes before, so I was sure what was coming wouldn't impress me on the musical front. Still, it's a 3-D movie, and I almost managed to enjoy the Hannah Montana concert film because of all the nifty visuals.

I was completely alone in the theater, so that killed any chance of it feeling like a true concert experience. The lovely manager came in to wish me luck, obviously finding the humor in my solo Jonas experience.

Then the damn thing started, and what transpired sucked my soul out of my eye sockets and transported it to places unknown. If you should find my soul--crumpled in a corner, covering its ears and begging for it all to stop--please return it. I feel incomplete now.

These little dumbasses have the audacity to ape the Beatles' A Hard Day's Night in their opening-credit sequence. They spend a few minutes running from screaming, adoring young-girl fans, and the whole thing is choreographed in a self-important, "We're so cool!" kind of way. Bile was starting to rise in my throat, and the damn concert hadn't even started.

Any hopes that the music would be at least tolerable were immediately destroyed the moment Joe Jonas opened his evil mouth and emitted his whiny, suck-ass vocals. These guys suck so much that they've created all-new, frightening levels of suckage not yet detected on any suck meter. I don't care if they are nice young guys. I don't care if they're Christians who haven't had sex yet, allegedly making them good role models. THEY SUCK!!!

I shit you not: A moment in which one of the annoying bastards started singing an acoustic ballad caused my face to contort in such a way that I bit my tongue. Not a little pinch, but a big old bite, in a desperate bid to brace myself for audio travesty.

In a weird display of contempt for their adoring fans, Joe Jonas (or one of the other ones ... they're interchangeable), about midconcert, basically ejaculates all over his young-girl audience (and, because it's in 3-D, all over us!) by picking up a big Super Soaker hose thing and spraying what looks like jizz all over the girls in the good seats, matting their hair with a white, foamy substance. No joke. He asks, "Are you ready?" and sprays fake cum all over them.

Did they make these kids sign a waver before the concert? "We kindly need your permission for the Jonas Brothers to jack in your hair during this show! Please sign here!" If you look closely, you can see some of the audience members touching the stuff in a semi-disgusted manner. These kids thought they were showing up for a family-friendly Disney show, not a GWAR concert!

You know you suck when two mediocre artists who show up for guest numbers tower above you in talent. Country music honeybee Taylor Swift comes out of the floor near the concert's end and delivers a performance that is epic in comparison. Some young girl named Demi Lovato, sort of a Miley Cyrus clone, popped out of the floor as well, and she also managed to outperform the demonic Jonas spawn.

On my way home from this nightmare, my iPod Shuffle served up U2 singing "A Day Without Me," off their debut LP, Boy. I couldn't help but notice how awesome of a song it is, and it's notable that Bono was just 20 years old when he delivered the epic tune. Joe Jonas--who was born in Casa Grande--is roughly the same age Bono was when he recorded "A Day Without Me," so age is no excuse for his pure awfulness as a performer.

The Jonas Brothers suck, and they can all go to hell!

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